One of the things that I believe is that there is always positive that can be pulled out of not-so-positive times. It’s really one of the cornerstones of what StayWonderfull is about. The biggest is finding beauty and wonder in the world. But it’s not always easy to see it and when this is the case, sometimes it feels even more crucial to be able to find something that you can grab on to help you get through.
These last two months I’ve been battling a tenacious asthma flare up that was triggered by a sinus infection I got at the end of July. All of the medication I’ve been on has left my body, mind and soul completely disjointed. Mentally, I’ve felt loopy, wired, zoned-out, dazed and confused all at the same time. Physically, I have been ravenous, hot and sweaty, and I can’t sleep until the exhaustion gets so bad that it sends me into really disturbing dreams from which I’m eventually woken by an incessant need to pee. It’s been an endless cycle and for this former perfectionist and expert self-criticizer these last 2 months have quite frankly been very challenging and exhausting for me from a spiritual perspective.
But life is all about lessons. Teachers present themselves to us daily and it is up to us as the students to see them and learn from them. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my break down moments over these last 2 months – after all I’m only human, but it wasn’t until yesterday morning that I really embraced this concept and realized how much I’ve been learning throughout this struggle.
My inflamed lungs have put limitations on everyday things leaving me incredibly winded and frustrated with life in general. I was looking forward to getting a few more beach days in before the end of summer, and soaking up the autumn sun with different workshops I had signed up for, and outdoor yoga classes I had wanted to attend. Instead, I’ve had to really tune into my body and learn to listen to it. I’ve had to step back, slow down and realize that pushing myself is not going to heal anything. I’ve not-so graciously had to learn the art of acceptance.
There is so much resistance in life. We are creatures of habit. We want things to be a certain way – our way. And it is human nature to resist when they are not. I realized that this whole time I have been fighting my asthma. I’ve been resistant to taking the necessary mediations, I have been eager to push it away. When I can’t breathe I get frustrated. Again – all normal, human reactions. But during the last two weeks I became so tired of fighting and resisting that I just shut down and gave in to the process.
I accepted the situation for what it was. I started living day-to-day instead of worrying about not being better by Saturday because I wouldn’t be able to do whatever activity was planned. I took the medication dose-by-dose and accepted the side effects – realizing that they are only temporary.
Accepting what is now. Being in the present moment – whatever that may be for you at this time. It’s what the foundation of mindfulness and meditation are all about. Would I rather have not been sick these last two months? Of course, but I feel incredible grateful for the lessons that I’ve learned as a result of it.
When I first started meditating, I found it very easy to shut off my brain. As the months passed thoughts would start to show up more frequently and eventually I started feeling like I was more going through the motions of meditation then actually meditating. I feel like this whole experience has helped me really tune into what my meditation practice is about, but off the cushion. In a very ironic way, it’s the most complete and connected I’ve felt to myself in a while.
The wildest part – and perhaps it’s a combination of things, is that as soon as I gave in and came to this realization my asthma symptoms started to let up. I’m finding it easier to breath. I actually slept through the night and woke up rested. Perhaps the four rounds of steroids finally kicked in? Maybe. But the timing is far too perfect. I believe that now that I have learned and acknowledged the lesson – my mind, body and spirit are able to sync up and move on. And guess what? I actually pulled out my camera today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings when we get there, but for now I’m hopeful that I will be attending that photography workshop I signed up for. 😉
